I'm ok, it's just my septum is deviated

There was once I time when I could smell, when I had more than 30% usage of my nasal passages, when food actually had different tastes and it mattered where on my "palate" I maneuvered my food. I know most of you can't believe that, but it's true. I wasn't always like this. But I have been unable to enjoy savory smells for almost six years now.

The first time I broke my nose, I was 16, and to be honest, I didn't actually break it myself. I had help from a certain friend (who will remain nameless, unless he, the un-named decides to come forth). His elbow found the side of the bridge of my nose and successfully collapsed it. I'm not bitter. For my sixteenth birthday, I got a nose job and life smelled good again.

Less than a year later, a different elbow found the other side of the bridge. My nose resembled the first letter of my last name and most of the air traffic had to detour through my oral passage since the nasal passages were blocked off. Thankfully, for purely aesthetic reasons, a couple weeks after the fresh break, an elbow different from the other two, met my nose right at the crest of the "C" and straightened it back out; it was unable to reopen the passages however, and the detour has been somewhat permanent.

From that moment on, things changed. Sunglasses now sit ever so slightly crooked on my face, so that I constantly look puzzled on a sunny day. Scented candles are just candles. One day in Bed, Bath and Beyond, a friend literally fell on the store's floor laughing because my nose was inside an Apple Cinnamon scented candle jar, and I could just barely smell the Apple. Trying to pull as much sweet-scented air into my nostrils as possible, it sounded like air escaping from a tire. Mixed with my friend's laughter, it was the sound of defeat.

My hearing is great. I think it has become even sharper trying to make up for my lack of taste and smell. And my sense of touch is even heightened. The feeling of a hot drink, I savor that feeling. Or in the early morning, hearing cereal fall into a bowl and the sound of the milk pouring over Raisin Bran Crunch. My mouth waters when I think of the cold milk jumping off of the spoon onto my palate. But that's where the problem lies.

By the time milk's texture changes, it is far too late. It should have been thrown out weeks ago. But before the texture changes, you can smell it. I can see mold on bread and cheese. I can't smell the warning that milk tries to give me.

The first time I used sour milk on my cereal, I was in college. No surprise there. College is where milk sours and the frat boy still drinks it because it will make a good story. "Oh man! That guy used a half-gallon of sour milk on French Toast Crunch and he said it tasted like sweet tarts!" Cool points go up. But not if you don't mean to do it. My roommate walked out that morning after I had just polished off a big bowl of awesome cereal. He grabs the milk, opens it and immediately puts it an arms length away, then turns his head trying to go further. He looks at me. I look at him. Then drop my eyes to the last spoonful of milk, I drop the spoon with a clank. That clank, mixed with his laughter? Yes, the sound of defeat.

I've been careful ever since. And I haven't messed up once...until recently. I didn't have such a long streak because my taste or smell has gotten better. No, I've gotten smarter. I hand the milk to a bystander to sniff it first. Which is always a tricky move because someone asking to smell milk is expecting it to be sour, so it "smells sour" to them. I wait until someone else drinks it first. If no one is around, I don't eat cereal. It's foolproof. But I got cocky...

...and my wife drinks Almond Milk. So, she doesn't regularly open the milk. So milk is chilling in the fridge and, unbeknownst to me, fermenting because I'm not drinking it fast enough. Before I know it, I'm getting a call from my wife asking me if I had cereal this morning. I certainly did and it was yummy. I hear disappointment on the other side of the phone. I'm sorry, I say, I'll eat a better balanced breakfast tomorrow or a good dinner tonight. No, my handsome hunk of a man, she says, I opened the milk and...

That's all I needed to hear.